The Art of Listening

It is well known that the disease of addiction can be extremely isolating in its ability to drive a wedge between partners and families alike. However, many recovery programs count on the involvement of these very same members to participate in family sessions and help promote healing in their loved ones. These sessions often bring up past hurts and provocative subject material that is difficult to hear.  However, unless you refuse to play the same old games- old and worn out ways of communicating with one another- change is not likely to be found.

Sustaining recovery requires learning the skills of a new game, one in the pursuit of the betterment of both individuals playing together. This interrelationship can be explained in the difference between playing verbal ping pong vs catch. Thus, learning how to play a good game of “emotional catch” can immediately improve your communication with others. 

Why communicating feels so difficult

There are a multitude of factors that play into our ability to sit with another and have a productive or honest conversation with them. And while “it takes two to tango,” perhaps more than we would like, the fate of the conversation does rest in our own two hands. 

In all conversations, it is important to consider our approach towards the other, as this sets the stage for the conversation to be had. If you’re walking in emotionally charged, such as being anxious about the other’s potential response, or angry because we’ve waited a little too long to bring it up, we need to recognize the impact this has on our partner, as well as their present emotional state, whether it’s related to the issue at hand or not. 

It is true that biologically speaking, our bodies are not innately trained to be good listeners, as highlighted by the power differential that occurs in the act. When someone’s talking, they maintain the power, with those listening occupying the subordinate role. Being silent for a period of time can be anxiety provoking as our bodies go tense, and we rush to defend ourselves, or to numb ourselves from the uncomfortable. 

Sometimes just hearing the words “Can we talk?”can incite a certain relational dread in your partner for fear of a repeat of the last time there was a conversation that didn’t go too well. This is because our brain often operates as an “anticipation machine”, set on “protecting us” from entering dangerous terrain, and in response, pumping us full of epinephrine and norepinephrine to fight, freeze or flee. 

Ping- Pong vs Catch

By visualizing the difference between the two games above, we will be able to glean some important wisdom regarding how to make important conversations tools for connection: less divisive, and more fulfilling. Picture first the game of ping pong: you are in competition with your partner, in a constant reactive state, and your goal is to win by making a shot that your partner cannot return. While the game can be fun, you become better as individuals, not as a team. 

Next picture playing catch: you and your partner each need to receive the ball to keep it in play. You are invested in your partner succeeding and catching the ball, and their success in doing so is largely based on how you throw it.

It is not difficult to see how this metaphor parallels communication between two individuals, especially as the fundamental goal of a conversation is not for one party to emerge as the victor, but to connect with one another and build skills. Too many people find themselves playing ping-pong in their conversations, where half of the time the conversation is derailed before it even begins by a cheap shot, by employing a distraction technique by arguing about inconsequential details, or by throwing your own spin on things before absorbing what was said. 

Consider this as opposed to conversation like the game of catch, where an individual considers their partner before firing, and takes the time to receive and collaborate before throwing a curveball. The team improves when they are in tune, collaborate, and improvement comes as each is capable of handling the challenge. 

This metaphor has immense power in the way that we think about communication, and how ideally we should abandon our old ways and seek new strategies. Truly, the skill of communication, and the ability to play “emotional catch”, is absolutely vital in recovery, and in everyday life. 

Call us today to learn more about how we seek to include family members in treatment!