Fighting Judgment with Compassion
“Some prisons don’t require bars to keep people locked inside. All it takes is their perception that they belong there.” ― Lysa TerKeurst
In today’s society that is often driven by avoidance and shame, it is easy to fall into the trap of passing judgment on one’s self and others as a replacement for true connection and honest evaluation. Just as much as judgment is a way to put walls up to avoid the necessity of understanding others, to regard them as irreconcilably different, and incapable of similarity, when directed at the self, it is a way to disengage from our growth potential, and convince ourselves that we offer nothing of value.
Self judgment persists by placing a high value on what is deemed appropriate behavior, and falling into a downward spiral when you believe that you have failed at meeting those expectations. The quote above highlights how powerful the prisons of our own minds can be that maintain these beliefs and keep us immobilized. In addition, shame researcher Brene Brown reminds us that shame needs three things in order to grow: silence, secrecy, and judgment. Combatting the first two requires a healthy relationship with vulnerability, however the third requires an extra step: updating your view of yourself to include self-compassion.
Misconceptions of Self Compassion
Many people misunderstand the psychological underpinnings that contribute to self-compassion, and may misconstrue the idea to mean that it is simply being soft on themselves, allowing their experiential self to have full reign, to follow the whims of the moment. However, in the most basic sense, self-compassion is cultivating a practice of being kind to ourselves. Although it may feel as though it is unknown territory, learning self-compassion is really just treating ourselves the way we already know how to when we support, counsel, and care for loved ones in our lives. It is giving yourself permission to treat yourself the same way.
It is tempting to think that a gain in self-compassion is a loss of accountability and motivation, but truly it is the inverse that is true. When you are unnecessarily hard on yourself, you are actually undermining your own motivation for change, and creating room for the seeds of anxiety and failure to take root. When we are in judgment, our bodies and brains are not in the right frame to learn and leads to further self-criticism, stress, competition and difficulty. Internal- directed compassion can be fiercely motivating, just as you would want to see loved ones in your life succeed, however doing so while remaining emotionally warm and supportive, not cold and threatening. Science backs the idea that growth-minded self-compassion actually promotes health, and increases the likelihood of accomplishing goals at far greater rates than when relying on negative self-talk.
Three Ingredients of Self-Compassion
Much of the research regarding this concept is driven by the work of Dr. Kristin Neff who has made the work of helping individuals be kind to themselves her life’s mission. In her article “Definition of Self-Compassion” she outlines the three essential ingredients of self-compassion:
Mindfulness vs. Over identification:
Dr. Neff suggests taking a balanced approach towards our emotions and life experiences, so that we do not lose ourselves in the trees, but can see how it relates to the whole forest. Becoming mindfully aware of ourselves and our present reality, but from a place of openness and non-judgement.
Common Humanity vs Isolation:
The second essential concept to self-compassion, is to recognize the common humanity in our feelings and behaviors rather than seeking to isolate ourselves in delusions of grandeur or inadequacy. Rather, recognize that health is found in solidarity, in knowing that as members of the human race, there will be unavoidable mistakes, suffering, and pain.
Self-kindness vs. Self-Judgment:
In self-kindness, we can recognize the imperfection of human existence, and yet remain willing to maintain an active, loving presence with ourselves when we suffer, make mistakes, or fail to measure up to the ideas we have about ourselves.
Truly, being kind to oneself rather than self-condemning, is at the core of psychological health. What are some ways that you have been able to be kind to yourself in the past week?
References
TerKeurst, L. (2012). Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions (HarperCollins Christian Publishing).
Brown, B. PhD (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection (Simon & Schuster).
Neff, Kristen, PhD. August 4, 2019. Definition of Self Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
