Why Do I Hate Being Alone?
In today’s society, we are wired and constantly online, never alone. At the touch of a button, we can be immersed in our online worlds, with something to do, and someone to talk to. We may even find the idea of being alone threatening, leading to a sense of dread that we may have nothing left to do but think. In fact, the somewhat humorous results of a study published in Science Magazine found that individuals preferred to give themselves electric shocks than to be alone with their thoughts for only 15 minutes. The results revealed what perhaps we already knew intuitively, that most people appear to prefer doing something rather than nothing, even if it leads to an undesired consequence.
The technical term for fear of being alone is called “Monophobia”, and represents the extreme end of the spectrum. Phobias in general are characterized by one’s extreme irrational fear or aversion to something, in this case a lack of stimulation or comfort drawn from being around another person. While individuals may experience aspects of this fear, it does not always present in extreme ways.
Some common factors are typically cited by individuals who admit to struggling with being alone, namely a significant past trauma, abusive or unavailable parents, or a lack of proper attachments in childhood. This includes parenting models that may be considered “overbearing” or “overprotective” in their approach that robs their children of healthy decision-making capabilities or confidence to be able to feel secure in asking for what they need or standing up for themselves.
This problem may surface in a couple of different ways that may cause further issues for these individuals in the realm of relationships, or general life functioning, sometimes leading to clinically significant distress. They include:
Fear of Being Alone in Public
Fear of Living Alone
Fear of Not Being in a Romantic Relationship
Throughout each of these presentations of fear, there runs the common theme of not knowing who we are when not in the context of other people. We may have learned to define ourselves by others in our life, and haven’t taken the time to explore what interests and matters to us. This is a common dynamic in families that have a history of addiction. Often the family will organize and establish roles around the person with addictive patterns, and pool their resources to learn to survive in spite of them. Whether you become the parentified child, or their codependent partner, identifying the root of these roles is important information in learning to overcome these identities and why family therapy in addiction recovery is so important.
A secondary theme present in the above listed fears is the idea that being alone with ourselves means that we would need to recognize and address what’s really going on inside ourselves. Relying on another person to save us from our internal dialogue is a distraction at best, and does not serve to solve the root issue. The good news is that once we know what’s happening, we can work to overcome it. With a little courage, we may be able to look into our past and notice where these problematic fears find their beginning. With a little more bravery, we can call in the help of a professional therapist who might lead us to understanding by processing through it. We may begin by observing our experience with more detail, when we are tempted to call up a friend, or when we begin to feel that familiar tug on our hearts or in the pit of our stomach. We may begin to notice the story that we tell ourselves about who we are, about what it means to be alone, or to be with someone, and begin to speak truth to the lies.
